What is Enabling Behavior and How to Stop It?

An enabler is a person who allows someone close to them to continue unhealthy or self-destructive patterns of behavior. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those. They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one. When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside.

Do any of the above signs seem similar to patterns that have developed in your relationship with a loved one?
A lot of times, people don’t realize that they are enabling someone because they think they are helping.
This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside.
For example, provide transportation to appointments but refuse to cover expenses like rent or legal fees.
Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day.

By shielding them from the consequences of their actions, enablers contribute to the continuation of these self-destructive patterns. To stop enabling behavior, begin by bringing attention to the issue at hand. Acknowledge the harmful behaviors of your loved one instead of ignoring or minimizing them. Clearly communicate that you recognize their substance misuse or other problematic actions and assert that these behaviors are unacceptable.

For example, imagine a parent whose adult child is struggling with substance use. Often, enabling starts when a person tries to offer support to someone they care about because they know they are going through a difficult time. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that “help” could cause more harm than good. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment.

Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them. It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things. However, enablers usually have good intentions that are misplaced, while abusers are typically trying to gain something over their victims. The behaviors of a codependent person and an enabler can often share similarities, but they are not the same. One way to stop enabling a person with a mental health disorder is by first educating yourself on their condition. With financial dependency, a person might provide excessive support for another person, causing them to not face the full consequences of their actions.

Many enablers grow up in situations where they feel responsible for keeping the peace, solving problems, or making others happy. The young adult spends their money on drugs or alcohol, and when they can’t pay their rent, the parent steps in to cover it. However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation.

Set Boundaries

For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions. No, usually enablers have a heightened sense of empathy, which is why it can be difficult for them to hold the other person accountable or allow them to face consequences. The psychology behind enablers often comes from a mix of past experiences, traumas, family dynamics, and personality types.

The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior.
Encourage independence and encourage them to get professional help for their condition.
Clearly communicate that you recognize their substance misuse or other problematic actions and assert that these behaviors are unacceptable.
A person handles an enabler by first recognizing the signs of enabling in the relationship.

Covering for them or making excuses

Enabling behavior is when someone unintentionally supports or encourages another person’s harmful habits or choices. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. For this, it might be helpful to reach out enabling behavior meaning to a mental health professional. First is recognizing that you’re contributing to a cycle of enabling.

Seek Professional Addiction Treatment

You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to. This term can be stigmatizing since there’s often negative judgment attached to it. However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. Enabling another person’s behavior also can lead to them struggling for longer periods of time, since they never learn the skills they need to break out of the destructive cycle they are in.

How to Help an Addict Who Doesn’t Want Help

Rather than confronting a loved one or setting boundaries, someone who engages in enabling behavior may persistently steer clear of conflict. They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does. To stop enabling behavior, address the issue directly, acknowledge the harmful actions, and insist on change.

Without that experience, it may be more difficult for them to realize they might need help. But if making excuses for destructive or harmful behavior becomes a habit and gives room to more toxic behavior, you might be inadvertently reinforcing said behaviors. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time.

Lending financial support

One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work. This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges.

Enabler: 9+ Signs of Enabling Behavior

But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. Over time it can have a damaging effect on your loved one and others around them. It’s difficult for someone to get help if they don’t fully see the consequences of their actions. This not only allows the harmful behavior to continue but also creates stress, guilt, and resentment for the parent, trapping both in an unhealthy cycle. This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility.

Learning how to identify the main signs can help you prevent and stop enabling behaviors in your relationships. Enablers also tend to carry false guilt, suffer from anxiety, and avoid conflict. Enablers will often blame other people for the person’s bad behavior.

Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help. In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing. Enabling behavior might be preventing them from facing the consequences of their actions.

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